


This Constant Noise All the Time

by InkandOwl



Category: Free!
Genre: Depression, Friends to Lovers, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-18
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-02 07:19:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5239556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkandOwl/pseuds/InkandOwl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is nothing nothing nothing wrong with Ai, he is so so so painfully normal and okay that sometimes he is convinced he lives in a void.  His family is wonderful, his parents supportive, and his friends are the best that anyone could ask for.  He loves them, and he even loves his too small apartment, that technically only belongs to himself and Momo, but inhabits an upward of six people on most days.  He hates his job as a waiter, but most people don’t like where they work, and his feelings for Rin are a distant memory.  And that is why Ai is steadfast in his insistence that he is decidedly very very very okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Constant Noise All the Time

**Author's Note:**

> Take anything you want, it's fine  
> Keep up the slow life for the night  
> Don't take it back, I'll just deny  
> This constant noise all the time  
>  -Slow Life by Grizzly Bear

1\. “All sneakers count as no slide shoes, I mean, there’s rubber on the bottom of them. Rubber doesn’t slide.” Nagisa presses his palms against the counter and pushes, sliding back a few inches.

“Rubber slides.” Ai usually doesn’t want to get involved in these arguments with Nagisa, he knows how it goes. Nagisa will needle at it for the rest of the day until Rei gets out of his Psychology class and picks him up from his shift.

He says nothing though, just stares at Ai from an awkward planking position. Ai thinks he would prefer the needling to the pitying look. 

They’d been out of high school for three years. Three years and working at a greasy spoon diner next to the University of Tokyo. His counselors had asked him repeatedly what he wanted to do, where he planned on going, and Ai had panicked. Let disease spin tight in his guts until he couldn’t remember the last time he got sleep at night. ‘I just need some time off, I think’, Ai had said, ‘I’ll move to the city with my friends and find something that sticks’. Rin and Sousuke had fucked off to Australia years ago, sending the occasional smoke signal over social media, letting everyone know that, yes, they were alive, and _yes, they were so very happy and quite possibly together_. 

And for all of his denial, Ai had really liked Rin. He fucking _loved_ him. The heartbreak had been palpable for weeks and Nagisa had worked his damndest to keep Ai’s mind off of it, even leaving Rei home when they went out so that Ai didn’t feel like a third wheel. Momo moved in with him the summer after his own graduation and made himself furniture in Ai’s life all over again. 

When Momo slides gracelessly over the counter, shaking a brown paper bag in Ai’s face, it pulls him from his one man pity party. “I got the radio fixed in my car, we should go on a road trip.” It has nothing to do with the bag and Ai holds his hand up to keep from getting hit in the face with it. “How cool would that be?”

Nagisa works his heels into the floor, spinning slowly towards them, “Hey, Momo-chan, did you know that rubber slides.” 

Ai thinks about crying. 

 

1a. The thing about Rei, is that Ai likes having him around the apartment. He’s calmness in the storm of his life, and his voice sounds really nice now that he’s piled through his teenage anxiety. It’s like listening to an audiobook when you’re falling asleep. 

Nagisa has his thumb and forefinger pressed into the corners of his eyes and his bottom lip is jutting out in the form of a pout. Rei stops mid sentence in his conversation with Makoto and reaches out slowly, circles his slender finger around Nagisa’s wrist and brushes his thumb over his pulse. It’s like watching hypnosis. Nagisa let’s himself collapse bonelessly into Rei’s lap, eyes closed as he tucks his head up under Rei’s neck. Ai’s not even sure what Nagisa was upset about and goes back to talking with Makoto about wedding plans.

“I like the yellow flowers, they would look really nice with the summer wedding.” Ai chimes in, directing Makoto’s attention away from the purple arrangement. Makoto smiles like sunshine and agrees.

Yellow is Makoto’s color. Yellow and orange and bright bright bright, with fairy lights in mason jars and a sensible tweed jacket. And maybe Haru is purple and dark blue and the stillness of the water at night but Makoto keeps him so goddamn illuminated. Ai rapidly blinks back tears he didn’t quite catch, burning at the corner of his eyes and grins back. Makoto calls him sweet and squeezes his hand and Nagisa laughs loudly and calls Ai sensitive and Rei stares at Ai over the now black rims of his glasses and _knows_. 

And that night when Momo drags himself home from work, tunes his ukelele and falls asleep on the living room floor, Ai steps over him on his way to the kitchen, eyes raw and heavy and unable to produce another tear. Rei has Nagisa pushed up on the counter, fingers buried in messy blonde hair. Nagisa clings to him like a lifeline, lips chasing after Rei’s with every kiss, free hand shoved down the front of Rei’s pajama pants and a quiet whimper in his throat like he’s the one getting off. 

Ai leaves before they see him and drags himself back into his bed and feels nothing.

In the morning when Ai helps Rei make coffee for everyone- because Rei can’t get everything right, and never _never_ coffee- He looks so put together that Ai wishes he could _be_ him. “If you put too much water in it, it becomes dull, and not enough, it will burn and taste bitter.” Ai explains, holding up the measuring cup so Rei can see it. 

“You know I won’t get it.” Rei grins crookedly and Ai huffs out a laugh.

“I can try.” He shrugs and he’s vaguely aware that Rei is watching him.

“Ai, have you ever- have you ever talked with anyone. A professional that is. Life after high school is very trying on most people and it’s always good to have an outlet for your mental health.” He’s trying to make it sound as normal as buying the groceries, and Ai supposes that it probably is, but there’s nothing to talk about.

“There’s nothing wrong with me, thank you for your concern.” Ai says mechanically, and tacks on a fake grin in hopes that maybe it will come off as appreciation. 

Rei just nods, pushes his glasses up his nose. Ai thinks about waking up Momo. 

 

 

2\. There is nothing _nothing nothing_ wrong with Ai, he is so so so painfully normal and okay that sometimes he is convinced he lives in a void. His family is wonderful, his parents supportive, and his friends are the best that anyone could ask for. He loves them, and he even loves his too small apartment, that technically only belongs to himself and Momo, but inhabits an upward of six people on most days. He hates his job as a waiter, but most people don’t like where they work, and his feelings for Rin are a distant memory. And that is why Ai is steadfast in his insistence that he is decidedly very very very okay. 

Momo’s room looks like a living terrarium, bookshelves devoid of books and filled instead with artificial habitats for bugs and reptiles. Ai hates being in there, it’s like a glass rainforest in the middle of Tokyo. He does have a need to be around his roommate though. To leach some of his cascading vibrance and energy. Momo is so excited about everything. 

“I’m going to get a new heating lamp on Friday, it’s on sale but it’s so much better than the one I have, and my desert buddies are just gonna love it-”

He’s rattling on and Ai keeps his chin pressed into Momo’s mattress from his spot on the floor. He doesn’t care about heating lamps or desert environments, but Momo does, and Ai cares about Momo. He works overtime every week just to pay for his unusual needs and wants. He has a poisonous dart frog on his nightstand and Ai watches him move slowly across a branch. All vibrant red and sinister in his innocent looks. “I like him.” Ai interrupts, tilting his head towards the frog. Momo looks at his creature like a mother looks at her child and sighs, “I knew you would, I got him two weeks ago. His name is Nitori.” 

Ai watches the frog, named after him and then watches Momo. Momo’s eyes are gold but he is a constant swirling of green and teal and sky blue and as alive as his room. He presses his thumb to the beauty mark under Ai’s eye and then his forehead and then places his hand over his heart and beams at him like Ai has just told the greatest joke he’s ever heard. 

“Something on my face?” Ai sniffs out a humorless laugh and Momo collapses sideways into his pillow.

“Where do you go to? In here?” Momo taps his own forehead then.

Ai wonders if maybe Momo is more intuitive than he appears, “I don’t know, where do you think?”

“Are you mad? Because I said that?” Momo’s voice is soft and when Ai shakes his head he reaches out to brush the fabric of Ai’s shirt, like he can’t live without physical contact for more than a few moments. “I only asked because you’re so smart and you understand everything. You watch everything so closely I just wanted to know where it was your mind goes. Like maybe if you told me I could visit.” He chirps vibrantly and Ai inhales shakily.

He shrugs instead, and watches Nitori the frog bury himself under wood chips. “In the wood chips.” Ai mutters against the sheets, and feels oddly proud for the look of confusion he gets from Momo. 

“I’m going to bed, I think.” Ai states, mostly to the room rather than his roommate. He let’s Momo kiss him lightly on the cheekbone like he does every night and closes his eyes at the feel of anyone in the world choosing to exist in the same space he does. 

That night he only cries for a half an hour.

 

 

3\. There are wedding parties to attend, and dress rehearsals and nights out and fitting for tuxes and Ai feels worn thin. Nagisa is sitting on the ground, leaning against Ai’s knees. There’s enough room on the bench for both of them, and it’s not like Ai hasn’t offered. Instead, Nagisa spins a bright red lollipop around in his mouth, clicking it loudly against his teeth with each turn. Ai watches the storm clouds in the distance. 

“Do you think we’ve failed?” Ai asks.

Nagisa wrenches the candy from his mouth and twists awkwardly to look at him, smacking the sticky lollipop against Ai’s knee. Ai makes a face but Nagisa just laughs loudly and licks his palm, rubbing his knee violently. “Sorry, I didn’t realize how close you were gonna be. And why would you say that? Failed what?”

Ai pushes Nagisa a little bit away from him with his foot. He’s being disgusting. “At all of this.” He gestures to the world, “We didn’t go to college and we didn’t even try and get better jobs. We just stayed at the same gross diner we started at when we moved here.” 

“I would hardly call that failure. We could be unemployed. And homeless.” Nagisa reminds him and finally, _finally_ , he pulls himself up onto the bench next to him. “No one likes their job, it’s like a rule of life. I’m not ready to settle down into one career yet, and when I am, I’ll do just that. Besides, I get to hang out with you and Momo all the time and Rei said we could get married just like Makoto and Haru once he graduates. He’s gonna be a psychiatrist.” Nagisa smirks like he just said Rei was going to be a stripper or a porn star. 

“I think I like Momo.” Ai announces

“ Whaaaaaat?” Nagisa leans back so far that he almost collapses backwards off the bench. “Where did this come from?”

Ai wrings his hands in his lap and feels his face burning, “I don’t know. I don’t even know if it’s genuine or I just like the way he treats me. He thinks I have it together.” 

Nagisa cocks his head to the side and grins, “Momo is a really good guy, and he is cute too!”

Ai’s not looking for that sort of reassurance though. In fact, he’s not looking for reassurance at all because he’s not even certain what he’s talking about. He just knows that he likes the way Momo looks at him and touches his hair and names amphibians after him. And he knows he wanted to tell someone because maybe, _just maybe_ , if the words were out there, hanging in the ether, Ai would be able to makes sense of it all. “Yeah, I guess he looked nice in his tux at the fitting today.”

For all of Nagisa’s inattentiveness and sharp desire to avoid real life problems, his eyes go soft around the edges and he makes a goofy in between grin and frown. “Are you saying this because you actually want to try something out with him or is this because of everything else?” Ai doesn’t ask him to elaborate but Nagisa does, “With the wedding and Rin coming back into town and stuff? Maybe you’re just lonely and it feels nice to have him there?” 

“So many questions.” Ai mutters, “I don’t have feelings for Rin anymore, you know that. It was just a crush. Just a crush.”

“And Momo?” 

Ai feels annoyed now, he wishes he didn’t say anything about it, “What about him? I don’t know how you’ve managed to complicate this more than it has to be, but you did.”

He’s being meaner than necessary, but Nagisa is resilient. He turns his nose up indignantly at Ai, lips pursed together. “He’s my friend you, you know. And I don’t want you hurting him with all of your indifference.”

The honesty of it actually charms Ai, “Big word, there.” He teases, and Nagisa smiles despite himself. “Rei thinks there’s something wrong with me. He didn’t _say it_ , but he _implied it_.”

“He thinks there’s something wrong with everyone.” Nagisa rolls his eyes and shoves his lollipop back into his mouth, “He told me that I have abandonment issues.” 

“He’s not wrong.” Ai snorts, and earns himself a swift punch to the shoulder. 

 

 

3a. Trial and Error:

Falling into bed with your roommate is uncalled for behavior in the words of Rei. Reckless and prone to emotional injury, as it were.

But Momo is so so so good with his fingers and his mouth and his cock buried deep inside of Ai. He kisses Ai so softly and rolls his hips the right way to get Ai moaning loudly and as good as it makes him feel, he wishes Momo wouldn’t take such care with him. He doesn’t want him to say his name, or call him beautiful or kiss him openly on the lips. 

When Momo warns him that he’s close, Ai grabs his hips and pulls him in, and hopes that maybe the physical full feeling he gets when Momo comes inside of him will fill in the spaces of his life. 

He tries to hold Ai close, asks him to stay and cards his fingers through Ai’s sweaty hair. “That was really amazing, you’re so lovely.” Momo mutters against his temple, fingertips dragging over Ai’s chest. 

Ai turns his face into the pillow and closes his eyes against Momo’s words. He can’t hear them over the sound of the blood roaring between his ears. “That was fun, thanks.” He forces a smile at Momo and stumbles out of his room, ignoring the way Momo pushes himself up onto his elbows and watches him with a shell shocked expression. 

 

 

Error:  
They don’t ever use protection when they have sex and Ai knows that Momo would never put him in danger if he thought there was even a chance he might have something, but it’s still reckless. And Ai wants it that way. He wants it to hurt a little bit, for Momo to be rough with him, and they haven’t quite found that balance yet. Because every time they end up here, Momo seems to pull back just a little bit more. 

 

The ice maker in their refrigerator is acting up and Ai finds himself digging through mounds of ice cubes trying to find the switch. When he’s done, there’s a few stray cubes on the floor and Ai tosses them in the sink to melt. He curls his fist around the last one though and holds it tightly. It starts to hurt, burn against his skin and Ai can feel the tears stinging in his eyes, building up with the pain. All of the things that Ai can’t quite place inside of him bubble up with the ice dripping between his fingers and he digs his teeth hard into his bottom lip until blood is running down his chin. 

Momo’s fingers are gentle but insistent when he comes up behind Ai and loosens his grip on the ice. He’s in his work uniform, dark circles under his usually lively eyes and Ai has never seen him look so so tired. He doesn’t ask Ai ‘why?’, or offer him a smile and a hug like he would before. Instead, he uses his chef apron to wipe the blood off of Ai’s face, and the tears that he didn’t even know had started to fall and he sighs. “I’m really scared.” Ai says in nothing more than a shaky whisper. Momo’s eyes are watery and Ai never wants to see him look this sad, it’s so wrong, and he runs the back of his hand over his forehead, shutting his eyes like he can’t look at his friend, and sometimes lover, anymore. 

“I called Rei on my way home. He’s the only person I could think of.” 

Ai feels infinitely small in their apartment, “Do you hate me?”

Momo laughs then but it’s humorless, “God, no.” 

 

Trial:  
Rei tells Ai about depression. Tells him how it doesn’t have a reason to attach itself to anyone, it just _does_. 

“I’m not certified yet, you really should see a professional as well, but I can do a personal analysis if you want?” Rei sits in the armchair closest to the couch where Ai is slouched over and Momo keeps himself in the furthest corner of the living room. “Is it alright if Momo stays or do you need him to leave?” 

Ai looks over at Momo, who still looks sad, but hopeful. “He can stay.” Ai nods.

He ends up crying through the majority of his talk with Rei and Rei grips Ai’s hand tightly. “Once you see your doctor you will feel so much better. It’s like having a physical illness, you don’t have to live with this untreated.” He speaks softly, and kindly, but he doesn’t make Ai feel like a child, and he can see how he probably works very well with Nagisa. “Here’s my professor’s card, he’s a registered psychiatrist and I would recommend him to anyone. He has my utmost respect.” He puts the card into Ai’s hand. 

The business card is very simple, a soft beige color and he stares at it through the blur of tears, “Thank you, Rei.” He forces a small smile at his friend, “Please- um, please don’t tell anyone about this?” 

Rei places his hand over his heart in offense, “I would _never_.” And Ai supposes it was a bit ridiculous to ask, seeing as this _was_ Rei. 

He leaves with a careful hug and Momo stands to let him out of the apartment. He had stayed so quiet that Ai forgot he was there. He wants Momo to touch him tonight, to feel as close as he can to another human. Momo must sense it on him too because he shakes his head when he locks the door. “Not tonight, Nitori. Let’s just get some sleep, okay?” 

They’ve never talked about this, what was really going on between them and Ai wants to now. He’s on a roll with all of these bottled up emotions. “Can we- can we talk?” 

Momo’s fingers twitch like he’s not sure what to do with them but he gives Ai a kind smile. “I wish I had known, was smarter.” He sounds like a child and Ai has to shift the weight between his feet to keep from running away. “I didn’t know that you were hurting, I just thought maybe you actually had feelings for me. But i’ll always be your friend, you know?” Momo grips his shoulder and squeezes it. Ai’s chest hurts, feels tight and restricted in his breathing because he _does_ have feelings for Momo, but he is not a complete human capable of giving what a relationship with Momo deserves. So he nods and pats Momo’s hand, watching him disappear to his room.

 

 

1\. 

 

Makoto and Haru’s wedding is on a Saturday, and it’s a smart move on their part, because half of their friends are drinking far too much to function tomorrow. Rin sits down at the table next to Ai, draping his arm lazily over his shoulder, “Did you think these two would ever get it together?” He snickers, mostly to himself and Ai rolls his eyes. He didn’t, but he’s glad that they did, watching Haru press his nose into the hollow of Makoto’s throat and close his eyes like there isn’t a hundred people watching them dance. “And I can’t believe how grown up you and Momo are getting.” 

“It was bound to happen one day.” Ai reminds him, and being around Rin doesn’t feel so heavy and desolate anymore. Even when Sousuke collapses into the chair on the other side of Rin and runs his hand over his shoulder blades. “You know Nagisa is the same height as Haru now?” 

Rin groans and Sousuke lets out a quiet, disbelieving, “No way in hell.”

“It was really good seeing you again, Ai. You seem really happy.” Rin nudges him.

Ai thinks about the 40mg pills sitting on his nightstand and nods. It’s not perfect, he still has days that he doesn’t know if he can get out of bed as early as he should. But he’s lighter now. He laughs easier. “Yeah I’m alright.” He settles on.

He’s doing better at work, he stays awake longer, and he’s even signed up for classes at the community college. When Nagisa tells him a joke Ai finds his laughter actually reaching to the corners of his eyes. But what he notices the most is the way he feels when he looks at Momo. His stomach gets twisted but not it the painful way it did before. They haven’t been together since Ai’s seemingly rock bottom but Ai finds himself thinking about the way it had felt when they tumbled into bed like they were still running on teenage hormones. Ai knows he’s turning red just thinking about it, and he excuses himself from Rin and Sousuke with an embarrassed smile.

Momo looks nice in his suit, with his hair brushed out of its usual tangles, and he’s talking excitedly with his brother about dung beetles of all things. He even smells nice when Ai gets close enough to notice and Seijuro sees him first. His eyes flick from Ai to Momo and he smiles gently, “I’m gonna find Kou, she wanted me to bring her a drink ages ago, she’ll probably kill me.” 

“Better not risk it.” Ai tells him and Momo startles slightly at his voice. Ai feels inexplicably nervous for being around someone he _lives_ with. “You look really handsome.” 

Momo doesn’t blush or stutter though, he just lights up and runs his hand down the front of his tie, “Hey, thanks!” he beams “Rei had to fix my tie for me but he did this really cool knot and I think it makes me look like a professor.” He rambles and Ai feels so fond he might need to take a seat. “You look really nice too. You always look really nice, but, it’s like, even nicer, and-”

He is blushing then and Ai laughs, “Hey, do you want to dance with me?” He interrupts him. Momo doesn’t say yes, just pulls Ai tightly against him and rubs his nose into Ai’s hair until it’s a mess.

“I missed you so much.” He whispers and Ai’s heart aches. 

 

Fits and Starts:

They don’t find themselves in bed together right away, as much as Ai wishes they would. Instead, Momo takes Ai on dates. _Honest to god, dates_. He takes him to dinner and to the ocean and rents all of the documentaries he knows Ai will like and finally _finally_ , he kisses Ai on the couch when he comes home from work one night. 

It’s slow and honest and he gently brushes his fingers over Ai’s cheekbones like he’s something to be cherished. 

And then he comes home with a box covered in a towel that is bigger than their microwave and puts it down in front of Ai with barely contained excitement. “What is it?” Ai looks up from his homework and Momo just dances around the dining room.

“It’s a gift!” He plays nervously with the strings of his apron.

Ai carefully pulls the towel off and isn’t sure if he’s really registering the glass terrarium in front of him, with a decent sized brown lizard inside. “It looks sharp.” Is the first thing Ai says, and he looks up at Momo.

“It’s a Bearded Dragon, and they’re not sharp, just a little rough.” Momo drops to his knees on the carpet and scoots forward until he’s against the tank. “They’re incredible docile and resilient lizards. I got him because he’s just like you! They are survivors.” He chews excitedly on his bottom lip and Ai looks between him and the bored looking dragon. 

“I love it.” Ai whispers and Momo leans forward 

“What? Is it-”

“I love it.” Ai declares more loudly, and he joins Momo on the floor, throwing his arms around Momo’s neck until they both fall backwards. Ai peppers his jaw and neck and cheeks and lips with kisses and Momo laughs, “It’s perfect, you’re perfect.” Ai kisses him hard and Momo puts his hands on the sides of Ai’s face, pulls him back enough to look him in the eye.

Momo’s eyes are soft and he pushes Ai’s hair up off of his forehead, “I love you, Ai.” He says it quietly but it’s the most serious Ai’s ever hear him, and he surges forward to crush his lips against Momo’s. 

He groans against Momo’s mouth, shoves his hands underneath his apron and shirt to get his hands on Momo’s skin, “I need you, right now.” 

“Should we go to-”

“Right now” Ai growls and Momo flips him over, pulling a whine out of Ai. “Say it again.” Ai begs and Momo pins his wrists above his head.

“I love you.” He kisses Ai, filthy and wet and open and Ai wants this so badly. “I love how strong you are, and how kind, and smart. I also love how beautiful you look when you come-”

“Momo!” Ai blushes, even though the words burn excitement through his blood. 

“What?” Momo asks, but he’s laughing.

Ai wriggles his wrists free and brings his hands to Momo’s face, “I love you too.”


End file.
